the inspiration.

the highly pregnant, frozen photographer.

the end result.

(i noticed, while editing, that i happened to snap a photo of the tree i planned to use, and then eric took a shot of me setting up the photo with the bride and groom.  finally, of course, there is the actual shot (well, one of many!) i took of the couple by the tree.  it’s not too often we have the whole storyline photographed, so i just thought it was a unique thing to share.)

this life.

it’s not easy.

i have this little motto that i repeat in my head over and over daily:

“god does not grow fruit on limbs too weak to bear it.”

it has to be true, although often times hard to believe .

i have to focus on the many things i’ve been blessed with in my life.  most importantly, my four healthy, beautiful babies.  my dearest eric… even on our worst of days, he is my strength. this little thing called “ae photography” that i love so very much.  all of the clients who have been empathetic, compassionate and kind during that hell of a pregnancy i endured.  you all mean so much to me, so it means the world when i receive emails with well wishes and heartfelt understanding.

shepherd means to guard, tend or guide.  lord knows i needed all three of those things every second of every day of my pregnancy.  no one should have to deal with constant debilitating pain every day of their lives knowing there is no end in sight, but i do.  pain is obviously something that can be managed as much as possible, but not while pregnant.  those were the longest nine months of my life.  the little man inside me helped me though it and guided me through the hardest of moments.  when you cannot manage the pain that i have, it becomes nearly impossible to eat and drink.  i was unable to sleep. i was constantly getting sick, which made it extremely hard to keep my vitamins down.  i was under massive stress with work and trying to keep up, even though i was ordered to stay in bed.  i was given lists of things that could possibly go wrong with the pregnancy, delivery and my little baby.  all of that, and every time i would go to the doctor, he would end up proving everything wrong.  perfect growth. perfect health.  i couldn’t believe how strong he was.  that gave me the strength to keep going.

i can’t even begin to describe the worry and absolute fear i had going into that c-section.  because of everything i have, i could have had serious issues when receiving the spinal/epidural from my heart rate lowering.  considering this happened with ella’s c-section, and the phrase “cardiac arrest” was brought up while i was in recovery and they were trying to stabilize me… and i had been completely healthy prior, i had a hard time even thinking of this while i was pregnant with shep.  i was almost certain i would leave this world while bringing him into it.  then, of course, my main fear was for him.  would he be okay? would he make it? would he have health problems?  i pictured and planned for the worst.  when i went into labor early (for like the 5th time), and they actually said it was going to happen that day–within the next hour, i felt like i was going to pass out.  i told everyone i loved them. i looked at eric as much as i could and thought about every moment of our lives together and how i’m not one who believes in soul mates, but i know that we are.

the c-section was not like the others.  the hospital did not have the typical medication they inject in spinals to control your pain, so every couple minutes i would actually feel horrible pain instead of just pulling and tugging.  they would then give me another dose of whatever they did have, which was making me nauseous.  obviously, vomiting under those circumstances in deadly.  so, they kept giving me doses of something to stop that.  they could tell i was actually feeling the pain, so they wanted to give me something that was stronger but said it might cause me to fall asleep and not remember the birth.  um, what?  i was faced with either feeling the pain or not seeing the birth of my child.  of course i chose to deal with the pain.

when they pulled him out, their first words were, “hi cutie, wow, you have long feet!”  i literally laughed so hard it made my stomach jiggle, which is not something you want to feel when you know it is currently cut wide open.  and then came that cry.  i had waited nine months for that cry, and there it was.  it was like all the weight in the world was lifted off my shoulders.  the pediatrician came over to me and said he was completely healthy and looked perfect.  i couldn’t even comprehend it.  it was a miracle.

i was surprised to hear they don’t put you in a recovery room anymore, but instead let you go straight to your hospital room after surgery.  none of my family had arrived yet, so eric and i had a couple hours to ourselves with our newest family member.  it was something we had never experienced before, and it’s something i will never forget.  i am so grateful for that time.  and… i was alive.  i made it!   they still had problems keeping my pain under control, so i wasn’t able to even hold him for quite awhile.  it seemed as though there was no communication between the doctor and the nurses, as well as from nurse to nurse.  i had a couple nurses that actually knew what to do, but for the most part, the hospital stay was excruciating.  i felt as though i was expected to deal with the surgery pain and my nerve pain with nothing.  they hadn’t given me an epidural, so they couldn’t handle the pain through that method.  they didn’t give me the standard medication through the spinal, which is supposed to actually help the pain for the first 2-3 days.  i know i am pretty strong when it comes to pain, so i just wanted to grab the nurses by their scrubs and shake them.  why??!  why were they not understanding and helping me.  ibuprofen was not doing the trick.  so, that aspect of everything was not good, but i didn’t even care.  all i wanted to do was hold my baby.  to this day, i still can’t believe that we are both alive and he is healthy.  that is all that matters.

so to my fourth born child, my last little one to ever grow inside me and kick me all through the night,  thank you for being so strong.  thank you for keeping your momma strong and being my shepherd.  i love your blond hair and how you were so teeny.  i love your sneezes and the noises you make when they don’t come.  i love your massively long arms and fingers and your toes that are shaped like daddy’s. i love that you look like your papa. i even love your farts.  who knew a baby could fart so much?  i love how, instead of making life more stressful, just seeing your face takes away every stress i have.  you make us all happier just by being here.  thank you, Lord, for sending me a shepherd.

we have been friends with mike since grade school, so this wedding was extra special to us!  he moved to iowa while ago, so we don’t get to see him much anymore, but when he does come to town, he always makes a point to try and get together with eric.  he’s such a great guy, so it lovely to meet karen and see what a wonderful lady he had found.  we used to be the only married couple out of our set of “old friends”, but now it seems like everyone is or has gotten married in the last couple years–and we have been able to capture nearly all of the weddings!

karen’s wedding dress was absolutely stunning–by far one of my favorites!  she made a gorgeous bride, and they make such a great couple.  we wish them all the best!

side note: in order to make this blog happen, i’m going to force myself to post little snippets of weddings here and there instead of doing the “all or nothing” thing i seem to get stuck on.  there will be more from this wedding in the future, but for now, here are a few shots from private time with mike & karen!